Why Does My Husband’s Past Bother Me So Much? 

It wouldn’t be natural if your husband’s past didn’t make you curious. Whether or not it should bother you will depend on your level of personal security, self-esteem, and confidence, albeit also how the information pertains to your current situation. 

The things that a person goes through in life, whether romances, losses, turmoil, trauma, or trouble (perhaps with the law), all form the people we see before us; develop their character. 

If you fell in love with this person enough to marry them, most of us accept and tend to be thankful for the people, places, things, occurrences that helped contribute to the traits we find so endearing about our spouses. 

If, however, you find something that causes bitterness, jealousy, or even anger to the point of it impacting the partnership, you might not know your mate, as well as you, though you did. 

That might beg the question of why more of these things weren’t brought up before the ultimate commitment. So you could genuinely get to know each other, past and current, in order to make educated decisions about getting married. 

Does a spouse’s past matter in a partnership?

Regret is a bitter pill to swallow; as the adage says, “if I had known then what I know now.” That’s why you ask the questions before making the final commitment. Then you can back out if the truth stings just a bit too much. 

There are cases where a partner’s past does make a difference to the relationship and others where a partner is accepting, allowing the two to progress forward with their healthy union. 

Some of it depends on the emotional health of the partners. If you’re a strong, confident, self-assured person, what happened in a previous relationship will likely not make you afraid that history will repeat itself. 

However, suppose you already have insecurities with where the two of you stand. In that case, anything troublesome like a past cheating incident will make you paranoid enough to associate that infidelity with your present life creating problems. 

That’s really not a good place to be when you’re married. It’s essential to work through even serious issues using any method necessary, whether that requires counseling or any means. So you can come to the point of acceptance and then closure. Now, let’s look at ways to accept the past of your mate.

How to accept the past of your husband

When you’re in a new relationship or even after dating for a while, it’s natural to have questions about a partner’s past. But by the time you become a married couple, those things should have already been dealt with to the satisfaction of each person. 

If you have been dwelling over previous relationships, perhaps there was cheating, or you can’t get past something more serious your husband might have dealt with or been involved with, it’s vital to either accept his past or make a decision about the relationship. 

It’s genuinely unfair to punish a mate further for something they’ve already endured but felt a need to disclose with you as their partner. Check out a few ways you can attempt to reach a point of acceptance.

The key is communication

In any partnership, a primary component is communication. Suppose you did not find out about a mate’s past until you were married. In that case, there is already a lack of communication and a bit of disrespect. That’s, especially if the information that wasn’t disclosed was serious with the potential of being a dealbreaker for the partner.

At this point, it might take a third-party involvement to guide the two of you through a more constructive communication in order to work through what could prove detrimental to the partnership.

Overcome instances of jealousy

Suppose you are unable to overcome instances of jealousy over an ex that you find out was at one point engaged to your husband. In that case, you’re likely dealing with personal insecurity at some level. 

It’s crucial to figure out what would be making you feel less worthy than this other person in an effort to work through that low self-esteem. Once you realize that the individual is not better, merely different, you can grow to accept this individual is history, not the future.

It’s natural

Even if you have a past. The problem is it might not be as extensive as your husband’s, and that’s bothersome for you that he had sex with so many people and didn’t divulge this information. 

In this day and age, that can be a genuine concern, and he sort of had an obligation to divulge that fact; not doing so is a serious disregard for safety and feelings. 

This one could impact a relationship. Still, if each mate is healthy and there was no cheating when he was with any one individual, acceptance is possible.

No comparisons

Regardless of the history, the engagement, what transpired, you should avoid comparing yourself or the relationship. The person you have now is your husband. With all of the previous partnerships, they were casual or dating, not at all comparable. 

Some were probably exceptionally short-lived; many were likely incompatible or unhappy. The idea of dwelling is fruitless, wasting moments of your life when you should be living it happily with your husband.

Open and vulnerable

One thing that needs to be appreciated is the fact that your husband came in a vulnerable state to disclose his past honestly, something that might make him feel awkward and unsure of your reaction. But he wants to trust you with his information. 

Instead of reacting emotionally immediately, take time to process and avoid judging. 

After considering that the things he spoke of are in the past, think of your own history and if there is anything unforgivable. Nothing is unforgivable. Everyone is worthy of forgiveness. 

We should never stand to deny someone forgiveness, especially for something we had no part in. Accept and move forward.

Changes from the past

In that same vein, you can’t place blame on your mate for their past mistakes or behavior. Nothing done before you came along should be held against your husband by you. 

The most you can ask is if he believes there have been changes in any way for the better or whether he feels the things that were done or the behavior were wrong. Maybe the guy has learned from the mistakes, especially if he was in trouble with the law or had problems of a criminal sort.

How is your life now

If your mate treats you well now and your life is happy with no interference from outside parties from the past, there’s truly no reason to be living there. You fell in love with the traits that he possesses in the present. 

Who he was in the past doesn’t apply anymore. He has grown and changed vastly from that person and part of who he was back in that time changed him into the person he is today. If he hadn’t lived those moments, he might not have picked you as his mate. 

The engagement that got away, the vast number of people slept with, and the time spent in trouble will serve as the foundation for the ultimate life story; the happily ever after.

Moving forward from your husband’s past

Once you come to terms with the fact that your husband has a past and you’ve found a way to accept and progress forward, the partnership can develop a stronger connection with the chance to establish a deeper intimacy and further develop the bond that a healthy marriage should have. 

The fact that the two of you opened a line of communication and handled it respectfully, honestly, and vulnerably speaks volumes for the future of your union if you continue on that path. All healthy couples will disagree, argue, and even fight, but how you do it matters. 

When you maintain respect and civility even in the most heated topics like a husband’s past, there should be no challenge too great to withstand.

Conclusion

If your husband comes to you expressing a desire to disclose events from the past, try to avoid an emotional reaction to the admissions. The fact this man comes with an open heart to share his history with such vulnerability says much about his feelings for his mate.

Regardless of what he has to say, how serious some of the revelations are, and whatever the impact it has, make sure to maintain a calm demeanor while you take time and space to consider what’s been said. 

Then set aside a day that you can have a discussion to go back over the conversation once you’ve had time to think.

In this way, you can speak with a level head. The two of you can work through each issue together attentively, honestly, and respectfully, hopefully coming to the point of acceptance and the ability to move on as a thriving, healthy couple – in the present.

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