Perhaps you’re curious, even furious, because your husband looks at other women, including those younger than yourself and himself. And it’s not only something that happens in passing while you’re out in real-time but intentionally online on varied social media platforms. What does it mean?
Does it have to mean something? Some men say it doesn’t mean anything that would affect the partnership or impact their feelings for a spouse. The problem many women have with that thought process is that, for most, it does impact their feelings in one way or another.
It might not always be the action itself because most women recognize men will look at women. It’s a natural part of being human.
The problem is taking it to the next step of intentionally seeking it out online and how they respond if you say something about the behavior. That kind of “deer-in-the-headlights” stare, a bit of stammering followed by declarations that they’ll stop – since it means nothing.
Therein lies the conflict. That isn’t quite true. What does it mean? Let’s look at it a bit closer and then see what you should do if your husband looks at other women.
When you catch your husband checking out another woman
Men will look at other women, and a lot of times, those women are younger than themself and, in fact, their significant other. They usually play the behavior off as not meaning anything that would harm the relationship or impact their feelings for their mate.
Unfortunately, they don’t understand or choose to ignore that the behavior impacts your feelings and security. That’s especially true when these guys take their ogling to social networks where they seek women for the sole purpose of looking. Doesn’t it mean anything? That isn’t entirely true.
People, it can be true of both genders, but we’ll focus on men since they’re the topic of our conversation – search for things that remind them of times when they were happiest or at their best physically and mentally, maybe younger, more active.
Looking at another person with youth or a specific quality can stimulate thoughts of that level of vitality they once had. So, while it might not be personal against a spouse or partner, it is almost a boost for the guy’s spirit, if you will.
If the behavior grows out of hand to the point he actually begins talking to these women, that plays to the ego.
If the individual the man is checking out responds to him, he knows he’s still “got it.” It’s almost like a game. The only problem is a spouse or partner is sitting in the background with a question mark above their head.
Women understand admiring attractive people. No one is immune to that behavior, but blatantly and without regard to her feelings?
There should be less of a double-take dead in front of a mate or a stop-dead-in-the-street stare, looking up and down, stopping on the vital parts while your partner watches in awe.
What to do
Now, women would be hypocrites if they blamed their husbands for something they’re as guilty of. The difference (an opinion) is that women are much more discreet with their approach.
Women will take everything in subtly and quietly with no one noticing them watching, not even the subject of the stare. Since that isn’t quite the man’s way, what should you do to handle men staring at other women?
Communication is a priority
The first step when dealing with something that makes you feel bad about yourself or who you are is to let the person know who’s bringing that vibe to you.
No one should have that sort of power to cloud your self-worth or diminish your self-esteem, particularly if it’s something they can control or stop. That includes ogling women of any age on social networks.
While we all might take a quick glance if something happens to cross our path while we’re scrolling, that’s a far cry different from seeking it out. It’s vital to firmly express that you can’t accept the behavior and it needs to stop for the greatest good of the relationship and you.
You don’t want to give anyone an ultimatum, and this is not one. It’s merely a fact. An ultimatum would be something along the lines of telling to either stop the behavior or break up the marriage. In fact, if your husband is obsessed with a younger woman he found on Facebook, cafes or Tinder, and dating sites, you need to think about that and clearly identify any hint that helps when talking to him about that.
These don’t usually work well, generally creating almost an “I dare you” for which most mates are into taking those dares to their fullest as a way to call your “bluff.”
Only stick with genuine intentions. Listen when your spouse or partner speaks about their compulsion to look at other women. There might be a need or two that are being neglected.
Pay attention to how often the behavior is happening
When you’re out together or when your husband goes online, pay attention to how often he looks in other women’s directions. Perhaps he keeps his attention on you while you’re in public keeping his viewing a bit more discreet, focusing more on the online platform to check out other women more in detail.
But if you notice it happening only occasionally, plus his online activity is slowing down since you had a conversation, the looking might not be a problem you need to be concerned with.
The thing to keep in mind is that people in general, both male and female, will look casually at other humans. It’s a natural human instinct to react to specific traits, qualities, or characteristics meant to draw attention.
What attracts us varies for each person, but you can rest assured there is a response when you sense a quality, usually an impromptu look in that person’s direction.
Could there be some insecurity, and if there is why
In many cases, when men look at other women, there’s an instant sense of insecurity that swipes over a wife or significant other. That’s especially true if the spouse is somewhat older than the individual the husband is looking at.
Maybe as the wife, you have reached middle age or are coming close to that point, and the young lady is roughly in her early to late 20s.
You don’t feel you can compete if it comes down to that. Deep down, however, you know in your heart that it should never come to that point. Right?
Still, what leads you to these thoughts? Are there already problems happening in the marriage that could lead to someone stepping out? Are you not happy or satisfied? Maybe your spouse is not meeting your needs, causing you to believe he’s capable of an affair.
Suppose there’s a culmination of unmet needs, constant fights, and unhappiness aside from a mate looking outside the marriage. In that case, these are signs that you must both determine the underlying root of the issue in order to fix it.
But that might take professional counseling since it’s gotten to this degree before anyone sees a red flag.
Is there a specific woman, or is it many?
One critical factor when you find your husband is looking at younger or any age women is whether these are random ladies out in public view or varied social networks or if there’s one that he continues to search out.
If it’s one person, how does he know this woman? Is she a colleague, a close friend of the two of you, a stranger for whom he’s perhaps developing a fantasy? And what if your husband says that the other woman is beautiful?
In any event, when learning of the behavior, it’s vital to find out if the looking encounters have gone beyond that into chats or any sort of messages.
It’s already taking it too far by continuing to ogle a woman but then reaching out to her goes above and beyond, bordering on what constitutes cheating in today’s technological age and language.
This problem will require effective mutual communication and likely professional mediation, where tools can be offered to guide you as a couple toward a solution. The professional can provide advice where you might not have seen it from that particular perspective.
Simply looking at a younger or any age woman doesn’t make a man a brute. Seeking out women he finds attractive online to ogle is somewhat more of a problem. If your husband seeks female attention, that’s probably the case with many other guys. But if the man takes it to the step of messaging or chatting with any of them, you can construe that as a sort of betrayal of your relationship.
That’s especially true if he goes out of his way to hide the behavior, sneaking around with his mobile and keeping his phone private.
It’s in everyone’s nature to merely look at people they find attractive for various reasons. But there comes the point of compulsion. It will help if you recognize when your husband has taken it too far and speak with him to attempt to fix the problem. It should be easily done if a husband understands and respects his wife’s perspective.