The term “expectation” is a slippery slope in a marriage or partnership. When a spouse believes a husband expects them to do everything in addition to working, is that something the husband verbalized as an expectation of his or a presumption the spouse believes the husband expects of them.
If a husband blatantly tells his spouse to carry the load at home and work, that’s controlling behavior, toxic, bordering very closely to abusive. Conversely, if assumptions are made due to a husband simply not doing his share, that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s his expectation.
It could simply mean the man is lazy and will allow you to do it if you decide to carry the load. The question in this instance is, where do your boundaries lie? Did you create these?
Will a husband with high expectations pay attention to your boundaries
Establishing boundaries is a critical priority when a relationship becomes an exclusive commitment. These get a bad reputation as mere rules that partners set and aren’t allowed to cross or else, but then the “or else” is neglected.
No, that would be inaccurate. Boundaries are legitimate moral and ethical values embedded deep within what makes you the person you are.
Working together as a couple to designate the things that matter to you as individuals isn’t something that should be taken lightly or done casually.
In many instances, when boundaries are broken, partnerships are put on the line. That’s the level of seriousness that comes with a boundary.
Needless to say, if you’re in a marriage or partnership with an unhealthy expectation, the obvious question would be if boundaries were established at the beginning of the relationship.
If you have boundaries and your partner is disrespecting these, that can be a dealbreaker for marriage, especially if he is controlling in his expectations. That’s toxic and intolerable.
Suppose boundaries are not set, and a spouse is not making demands necessarily but is simply not carrying their weight, forcing you to have to carry the load, or it won’t get done, plus the additional stress of working. In that case, it’s time to set the boundaries.
When sitting down together, the idea is to communicate the importance of the intention and note the consequences if there were to be disrespect or crossing over the boundary. When or if that happens, you must follow through with the repercussions you assigned.
Your loyalty is to yourself and your personal value. In marriage or exclusive relationships, there are some expectations that are never okay from a significant other. Let’s look at some things you don’t need to tolerate as a spouse or mate.
What expectations are never acceptable from a significant other
We would hope that a loving husband wouldn’t have unreasonable expectations of their partner. As we’ve been discussing, some men anticipate that their spouse will handle the entire load at home plus work full time in addition.
There’s genuinely not much you can do in a situation like that because it’s either a man being controlling, bordering on abusive, which is intolerable or it’s a man probably being lazy.
That can possibly be worked through, but the gentleman has to want to. That’s when we apply our boundaries which are a sacred value that, if not taken seriously, the man will risk losing you.
Boundaries are the ability to tell someone “no.” That you’re not willing to accept your personal limitations being stomped on. Believe it or not, several things are never okay for one partner to expect from their significant other. These are definitive deal breakers in marriage or exclusive partnerships.
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Expecting to have everything their way
The idea is to have give-and-take in a healthy, thriving union. One person should not expect that everything will always go their way. That’s an extraordinarily lopsided, one-sided relationship, leaving one individual’s needs constantly unsatisfied.
Developing a sense of balance is critical, so everyone feels fulfilled and joyful.
If there is always interaction with one set of friends, the holidays are spent with one group of family members, or the extracurricular activities surround one particular set of interests, the other partner’s life is solemn.
It’s like you’re compromising who and what makes you the person you are in order to make someone else’s life happy. That is never okay. These are almost unspoken boundaries that should be known and understood.
Expecting that you share every private detail with them
Sharing in a partnership is extremely important for the health of the relationship. That doesn’t mean you must tell your significant other private details or sensitive information you feel uncomfortable sharing.
There’s nothing at all wrong with letting your spouse or partner know that the thing they’re trying to manipulate out of you is private as long as the information will in no way harm the relationship or your mate.
You might have a personal conversation with a close friend or family member. These details are confidential, and you intend to honor that. Expectations otherwise are inexcusable and intolerable.
Expecting you to be tolerant of poor behavior
When you’re put into a situation with a partner or spouse’s close friends, colleagues, or even family members and they become rude or perhaps belligerent towards you, the expectation from your husband or mate is that you be polite and overlook the poor behavior for their sake. You don’t want them to have repercussions because you created a scene.
That should never be okay. In the first place, if your significant other knew these people had the potential to be so toxic, you should have never been put in that situation.
Since you were brought into their abusive world, the least this man could do would be to act as a gentleman and stand up in your honor.
No one should be allowed to behave disrespectfully to someone that you love without having repercussions for that behavior. There’s absolutely no call for someone to have to smile and be polite while being treated horribly.
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Expecting that you can merely read their mind
It’s very true that when you’re in love with another person, after some time you begin to sense their moods, start to think similarly, sometimes you can finish each other’s sentences, but that in no way means you can read your husband’s mind.
A key to every healthy, thriving, strong connection is effective communication. If you haven’t developed a style of conversation that works for the two of you that shows each other respect, has a proactive approach, and is, above all else, straightforward, you have some work to do.
But when a man expresses that you “should know” how he feels like you’re a mind reader, that is an unfair and inexcusable expectation.
The expectation that you will compromise your belief system
If there is a separation of values and beliefs, no one should ever compromise these for another person regardless of how much you believe you love the individual. It’s not written in the stars, so to speak, that you are together when these sorts of differences appear.
A respectful partner (hopefully it didn’t make it to marriage) will recognize that these incompatibilities will be a reason for the partnership to have to come to an end.
One concession is if you decide that you can each tolerate the differences, if they don’t overwhelm the relationship, you can give it a shot, but most often, it doesn’t work out.
Why “expectation” should not be accepted in the marital language
Expectations equate to one person’s specific set of standards and are often hard for the other individual to live up to, depending on how stringent they might be.
The term “expectation” should be disallowed in the marital context or any committed relationship that comprises “partners.” I use the word “partners” a lot.
Why? As a couple, you’re on the same team, against the world together, and you balance each other out; it’s a dual effort. I think you get the gist.
Neither person should have or put any expectations on the other. A unified plan should be devised as a couple that they conquer together as a unit. That would include all decisions, finances, chores, errands, work hours, and responsibilities – equal, balanced, and together.
When a husband expects his wife to do everything plus work, it’s not a marriage or relationship, nor are they partners. It’s also not sustainable or achievable for the duration for the wife; instead, exhaustive, stressful, unfair, and intolerable. That’s never okay.
Expectations are a standard set by another person that others can be challenged to meet. That doesn’t belong in a partnership or marriage.
I sort of played ring-around-the-rosy a little bit with our topic mainly because it wasn’t so much what the expectation was that was the problem necessarily; it was the idea that the husband had an expectation at all.
Any of our expectations in this piece are above and beyond unreasonable, but making any sort of expectation of a loved one, someone you call your partner, kind of defeats the definition of that term, doesn’t it now.