Before you ever choose to walk down the aisle a second time, it’s wise to discern the effects a remarriage might have after going through a divorce. Among the apparent tell-tale effects of remarriage after separation will be the children who won’t want step-parents coming onto the scene.
When this happens, the effects can snowball to where custody arrangements change. Also, child support is altered, and alimony could be eliminated depending on which parent remarried. These things all, in a roundabout way, come back to affect the kids – if there are children.
Couples need to be informed on how remarriage can affect them after a divorce. There are a few things they might want to consider before taking that step, especially if you have kids of any age.
Things to think about before considering remarriage after a divorce
Before divorcing adults decide to walk down the aisle a second time, it’s essential to become educated on the many effects that decision can have on their own life but, more importantly, on their kids if they have them.
Remarriage after a divorce can adversely affect not only the couple but the kids in drastic ways. Children, regardless of age, need to try to adjust to a step-parent. But they feel a need to do so without appearing disloyal to a parent. That’s pressure.
Further, the legalities of the divorce will come back to haunt the exes in that whoever is getting remarried will need to look at potentially losing alimony, child support, and having custody arrangements altered.
These are primarily parent problems but invariably affect a child as well. Let’s look at a few things divorcing couples need to consider before remarrying to try to stave off potential effects.
The new spouse won’t feel for your kids in the same way you do
While everyone hopes a new partner will fall in love with their kids as profoundly as they do with them, it doesn’t always work like that. Generally, step-parents don’t care for their stepchildren with the same fervor as you do.
That doesn’t mean they can’t eventually develop a connection or their own special bond, perhaps a tight-knit friendship. But you shouldn’t put expectations on either of them.
The child you see is the one from infancy who endeared themself to you with a million different lovable traits. Your spouse didn’t have that pleasure. Instead, he/she is being exposed to a rebellious and currently disrespectful person with whom the two of you will want to parent differently.
The honeymoon phase will happen as a happily-ever-after
You might not have kids, but maybe your new spouse does. You will be a part of a new stepfamily, even if that means you only see each other a couple of times a month.
The effects of remarriage after a divorce for a stepfamily don’t come with a honeymoon period. The beginning for a stepfamily is, to say the least, “rocky.” The goal is to work towards a happily-ever-after. That takes a considerable amount of time, effort, and sacrifice.
Once each person realizes loyalty, feels security and a sense of gratitude for each other, and recognizes themselves as family, they’ll be on their way. Everyone needs to supply give and take with a lot of compromise and self-sacrifice, and there is definitely no place for selfishness.
It needs to be emphasized that it’s okay to care for and be cared for in a stepfamily without taking away from the love you share with the other parent. And the other parent needs to encourage and support that.
Alimony/child support
If you’re in receipt of alimony and remarry, these payments will no longer be required after you marry. Alimony is paid once the divorce is final and you are living on your own with fewer funds than you were accustomed to when you were married.
Once you get married again, you’re deemed capable with your new spouse.
Child support may or may not be affected by remarriage, depending on how the divorce settlement was drafted. If this is to be paid until the children are grown, regardless of whether you remarry, there will be no changes.
Custody agreement
With custody, parents will generally try to have joint custody, particularly when kids are small. It becomes a bit more complicated with school and extracurricular activities, plus the kids’ preferences as they grow older.
When a parent remarries, the custody agreement can undoubtedly be affected in some cases because the child decides they don’t want to be around the step-parent.
That can create upheaval to the point a kid chooses to alter their living conditions altogether, moving in with the other parent and visiting the custodial parent instead.
While some parents fight each other in court over custody when these issues arise, it’s really unfair to a child. When they feel that strongly about the circumstances happening around them, it’s vital to let them handle it the way that works better for them at the time.
They might come around at some point if you give them that courtesy. However, if you fight the kids, you could lose them forever.
Rebound
The suggestion before remarrying a new partner is that the two of you date for no less than two years. Not only does this give you ample time to get to know each other on virtually every level. But it prevents you from jumping into a situation strictly on the rebound.
Too often, partnerships form on the rebound when people are simply in a rush to avoid being alone and can’t judge for themself if someone is genuinely a good fit.
Learn about the other person in all different life circumstances. Whether it be an angry moment, frustration after the day has been exceptionally stressful, joy, excitement, or bitterness, make sure to experience all of it.
Before you do decide to walk down the aisle, date your soon-to-be spouse’s kids. Take them out and get to know each of them individually, if they’ll agree to go. It will mean a lot for them to see that you care enough to get their approval and take the time to get to know them.
It is suggested that remarriages should occur before a child turns ten or after the 16th birthday. In between these years interfere with developmental needs.
Little kids tend to attach somewhat quickly. That means it’s essential to ensure you’re serious before you spend too much time getting to know the family. It can be a devastating loss to a young one when someone simply disappears without warning.
Wait to avoid major effects
You can avoid significant effects from remarrying after starting a new life with someone else if you follow the recommendation. So, wait no less than three years following your divorce or the death of a partner before you start to date seriously.
Particularly after death but as a whole with any loss, there needs to be sufficient time to heal and rediscover who you really are. It’s a process of reintroducing yourself to you.
That can mean reinventing, whether a new career path, hobbies, or interests you’ve wanted to pursue, reestablishing friendships, and so many other things.
These processes take time to consider what it is you want and then work towards those goals. Fitting a new relationship into that mix isn’t feasible until you become an authentic version of yourself.
Once that happens, and you’re self-fulfilled, someone might come along that compliments what you already have going on in your life. It won’t be a “need to have” but, instead, an enhancement.
In many cases like these, it happens when you least expect it. And most often, it’s not something you’re looking for, but it interests you, and you’re not opposed to the possibility.
That would prove less likely to produce ill effects as it progresses, not so much of a rebound, and will move slowly enough that kids would be able to adjust adequately. They might even encourage it after that amount of time.
Conclusion
Remarriage after divorce doesn’t have to cause ill effects. In many situations where there aren’t kids involved, it likely wouldn’t if taken slow and handled with care.
The reasons for the effects generally relate to kids and the creation of stepfamilies. That’s when remarriage gets complicated for the kids and the couple.
While dating, it’s sort of just the two of you going out and getting to know each other while seeing where you might want things to go. But then you decide to become serious, and the complexities come into play when there are kids.
Things like how do you parent, will you love the kids, or do you favor your kids? It can sometimes be the cause for second marriages coming to an end.
Remarriage isn’t suitable for everyone after going through a divorce. Before entering into this commitment, take considerable time and plenty of forethought. You can always wait until the kids are grown. Would that be any better, really?
